I don't really know what it is, exactly, but that's a way to describe how my moods have been these few days..Careless, not as in a klutz kinda careless..but more of the unconcerned negligent careless.. I do not have this urge to want.. Thus in short, I do not 'want'.. .want being the verb here..
I find that I have been indifferent to almost everything I use too care so much about... Individuals, physical needs, variety, colours, joy, comfort, least of all, things.. Everything seems to be fading somehow,even more now.. I do not wish for it to fade, but it just does despite my futile meek mental protests.. Everything is clouded by this haze of "lack" itself.. Well, everything but my work, which seems to be the only burning flame I have left in this often raining weather.. so the only thing left to do is to hold on to it like no other, because I cannot go on flameless, not now.. The funny thing is, this only thing keeping me sane is probably the very same thing that will cost me my sanity , if overdone..
Do you know what I mean?
Despite my deranged detachment from the side of me that consists most of my emotions, I continue to stay sane by working (this is easy due to the fact that I am highly passionate in my field).. but you get this feeling that if you continue to try to stay sane by working and working and working and it's the only thing you ever do, you, will, unfortunately, but, inevitably, break..
I know this, you know this, everybody knows this.. So what does one do about it?
'Well, first of all, you shouldn't have made 'work' your life line now, innit, you sorry ass excuse of insanity?'
...says my alter ego...
'Maybe, you need to find a way to rekindle your flames and find joy, and love and make up for all that you've lost and the people you left behind. This is not totally about you, it's also about the people around you.'
...says my diplomatic-idealistic-church-going conscience...
'You need to shut your pie-hole and get back to work!!!'
...says the newly-formed-perasan-workaholic-inner-nerd....
'I think you just need to get laid~~~'
....says the hedonistic naughtiness....
'How about everybody just shuts up, and let the poor dear let her feelings out however way she feels most comfortable in? She's obviously going through some things.'
...says Mother Goose....
'Mother Goose?? What are you doing in this mind???'
...exclaimes the hedonistic naughtyness...
'I, am here to help, obviously. Seems like the mess isn't going to clear itself up now is it? You aren't even trying to really help, Naught, and put on some pants, for God sakes!'
...Mother Goose collects them up and shoos them away with her thick British accent....
'Where's the rest?'
'....I think they're in the ab....'
says conscience
'Ab? What's that, then?'
'The 'Away Box'. She's made this compartment to put us all in and picks us up if she needs us at any time. She hardly ever comes to pick us up now. Some of us just barge into her face, it's really distracting, personally,I find.'
Mentions Work, while glaring at Naught ...
Naughtiness then turns and lifts her half buttoned down make shift pyjama that was obviously once a man's shirt right above her left but cheek and says,
' Find this, nerd!'
' Children, children! Let's just all go back to the ab then, I need to speak with all of you, however many you may be now. She really needs to stop making new habits and better the old! Really! How does she manage all of you barging in and out of her mind like that!
...Mother Goose then bustles them away from the frame ......
- To be perhaps continued..
I find that I have been indifferent to almost everything I use too care so much about... Individuals, physical needs, variety, colours, joy, comfort, least of all, things.. Everything seems to be fading somehow,even more now.. I do not wish for it to fade, but it just does despite my futile meek mental protests.. Everything is clouded by this haze of "lack" itself.. Well, everything but my work, which seems to be the only burning flame I have left in this often raining weather.. so the only thing left to do is to hold on to it like no other, because I cannot go on flameless, not now.. The funny thing is, this only thing keeping me sane is probably the very same thing that will cost me my sanity , if overdone..
Do you know what I mean?
Despite my deranged detachment from the side of me that consists most of my emotions, I continue to stay sane by working (this is easy due to the fact that I am highly passionate in my field).. but you get this feeling that if you continue to try to stay sane by working and working and working and it's the only thing you ever do, you, will, unfortunately, but, inevitably, break..
I know this, you know this, everybody knows this.. So what does one do about it?
'Well, first of all, you shouldn't have made 'work' your life line now, innit, you sorry ass excuse of insanity?'
...says my alter ego...
'Maybe, you need to find a way to rekindle your flames and find joy, and love and make up for all that you've lost and the people you left behind. This is not totally about you, it's also about the people around you.'
...says my diplomatic-idealistic-church-going conscience...
'You need to shut your pie-hole and get back to work!!!'
...says the newly-formed-perasan-workaholic-inner-nerd....
'I think you just need to get laid~~~'
....says the hedonistic naughtiness....
'How about everybody just shuts up, and let the poor dear let her feelings out however way she feels most comfortable in? She's obviously going through some things.'
...says Mother Goose....
'Mother Goose?? What are you doing in this mind???'
...exclaimes the hedonistic naughtyness...
'I, am here to help, obviously. Seems like the mess isn't going to clear itself up now is it? You aren't even trying to really help, Naught, and put on some pants, for God sakes!'
...Mother Goose collects them up and shoos them away with her thick British accent....
'Where's the rest?'
'....I think they're in the ab....'
says conscience
'Ab? What's that, then?'
'The 'Away Box'. She's made this compartment to put us all in and picks us up if she needs us at any time. She hardly ever comes to pick us up now. Some of us just barge into her face, it's really distracting, personally,I find.'
Mentions Work, while glaring at Naught ...
Naughtiness then turns and lifts her half buttoned down make shift pyjama that was obviously once a man's shirt right above her left but cheek and says,
' Find this, nerd!'
' Children, children! Let's just all go back to the ab then, I need to speak with all of you, however many you may be now. She really needs to stop making new habits and better the old! Really! How does she manage all of you barging in and out of her mind like that!
...Mother Goose then bustles them away from the frame ......
- To be perhaps continued..
